“Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is the truth.”
Think of the surface of a hot stove. If we accidentally lay our fingers on it, it will hurt, and this pain tells us to quickly remove our startled appendage from the source of its suffering; and then to always remember what happened. If we numbed the pain, so we didn’t feel it burning, our hand would just sit there smoldering, getting more and more hurt, until it was badly damaged. If we try to find a way to cover up the pain from a destructive relationship, then the same thing happens. It just gets more and more hurt until it is badly damaged. The pain is there, like the hot stove, to motivate us to remove ourselves from what is causing it, and to help us remember what happened so we don’t hurt ourselves like that again.
If we are doing something destructive that is causing pain in our relationship, and if we numb ourselves to what we are doing with alcohol, drugs, or psychiatric medications, defensive re-characterizations that blame our partner and make us the victim, or people that we have lied to to manipulate and get them to take our side; then we are either covering up the pain, or attributing the source of the pain to something other than what is actually causing it; both of which cause the damage to continue unabated. And, if we do this, we can’t learn from what happened for future reference either, because we are either numbing the pain, in which case there is nothing to remember, or we are attributing it to the wrong source, which causes us to associate our pain with something other than what really caused it.
One of the biggest challenges in eliminating pain from relationships is identifying what is actually causing it. If both partners are not willing, or able, to find and face the true cause of their suffering, then the only options to them are 1. keep suffering or 2. leave the relationship. We can’t stop the suffering if we don’t pinpoint and address what is really causing it.
If we leave a relationship when we were the one causing the pain in it, while blaming our partner for what we were doing and avoiding responsibility for it; then we will just be taking the pain with us when we go, and adding to its level of severity by leaving in this way and blaming the real victim for what we did to them. For example, if we were verbally and emotionally abusive to our sweetheart; directing hatred, rage, and verbal aggression at them because we hate ourselves so much and didn’t want to be wrong or take responsibility for how we treated them; and if we projectively flipped things around in our head to make it seem like they were doing this to us so we could make them the cause of our pain instead of ourselves, and ourselves the victim of what we were now blaming them for; then we are adding the pain of lying, blaming, and leaving to the pain that was already there. And if we told others our fictional stories to get them to take our side and support us in leaving, then we are adding these lies, manipulations, and abuses of trust to the magnitude of the pain — increasing its severity even further. We think we are succeeding at running away from it, to avoid having to face what we have done; but we are actually adding to it and will suffer for it in even bigger ways. “Three things cannot be long hidden; the sun, the moon, and the truth.” Buddha
In the above example, we are the source of our pain, so we can’t escape it by leaving a relationship (regardless of the lies we have told ourselves or others).
Even if we feel temporarily better because 1. we are no longer faced with the truth of how we are abusing our partner, 2. we feel like a self righteous victim, and 3. we have others supporting us in this delusion; the truth about what really happened, and the pain it generates, is still inside us — there is no escaping it. It may take a different form, like physical illness, stress or depression but it is still there. We may try to cover it up with alcohol and/or drugs, psychiatric medications, defensive misrepresentations to ourselves (egoic delusion), and/or manipulative lies to others; but this only masks it and allows it to continue manifesting in us and growing stronger. “The only way out is through.” Helen Keller
The Importance of Truth in Relationships
Without truth real love cannot inhabit our relationship. Love is our awareness of a heart-centered connection between ourselves and another (Fourth Chakra Love, a spiritual thing. Love is not strong emotion or sexual attraction (Second Chakra Connection, a physical thing). Second Chakra connections exist within Fourth Chakra Love, but Fourth Chakra Love does not exist within a relationship based on a Second Chakra Connection. What many call love is really emotions and sex which, alone, bear no resembleance to real love. If Second Chakra Connections are mistaken for love, then “love” alone is never enough. If Fourth Chakra, Heart-Centered Love is the basis for a relationship, then this spiritual awareness of the truth of our love, if truth is continuously accessed, is all we will ever need. If people have not experienced it, then they will probably not relate to it, and may not believe it exists. But that’s alright, because, thankfully, the beliefs of others are not a requirement of our own.
When we share real love, truth occurs naturally, like the love does. It is the substance of what we share through our spiraling energies. This is why it feels so natural, peaceful, and open. There is a quiet confidence, peaceful acceptance, and ease of appreciating each other. We raise each others’ vibration, and effortlessly bring out the best in each other (just by being who we naturally are and sharing the love). Real love is an element of truth. Truth is the highest vibration, and is a prerequisite of love, joy, and peace.
If something painful occurs in our relationship, then, in order to stop the pain, we need to identify the true source of what is causing it, accept and find the meaning in it, and endeavor to stop it from producing further suffering (unless the suffering is serving a higher purpose, like helping someone heal). If we attribute the source of the pain to anything other than what is really causing it, then not only will we be unable to stop it, but we may generate new and bigger problems (in addition to the original one).
Without truth, pain cannot be understood, learned from, or eliminated from our lives.
So truth is needed to both share real love and stop our hearts from hurting when something painful occurs (whatever its source may be).
And it could prove useful to review our dreams before co-creating them, to insure that they are really what is best for us and the greater good, consistent with our values, beliefs, and priorities; and serving the higher purpose we were created to fulfill.
After reviewing them, and connecting with universal consciousness at the highest possible vibration (truth), it could be the perfect time to let go of our limitations and begin believing in things we can’t yet fully understand! Doing so could free us up to create enduring happiness, and help us experience the resplendent radiance of star-powered love, unencumbered joy, and peaceful acceptance of whatever happens!
The Role of Emotions in Helping Us Harness The Hot Stove Effect
Emotions are generated by the truth of our experiences. As the flowers of our consciousness, they draw our attention to what is happening. If we focus on the truth of our emotions, and the truth of what is causing them; then we will find the real source of our pain. If we attribute our suffering to anything other than what is causing it, then the pain will continue or intensify (because we will not be addressing what is causing it). If it takes a different form, because we are avoiding the truth, we may not recognize it, but it will be there nonetheless. For example, if the true source of our pain lies in our verbal and emotional abuse of our beloved, but we are denying this and blaming the problems on them; then our pain may take the form of depression, alcohol abuse, or cancer. And their unresolved pain may take a similar course.
And there is another important dynamic to be understood related to our awareness of the truth of our emotions. When the ego twists the truth of what happened into the delusions that support our irresponsible choices, our real emotions can also get twisted to support these delusions. For example, if we were verbally abusive to our sweetheart and felt regretful and sad about this, and then flipped it into our beloved controlling us and being angry about it; then both the truth of what happened was twisted by the ego (from us being verbally abusive to them being controlling) and the truth of how we feel about it as well (from us feeling regretful and sad about what we did to them, to us feeling angry about what we are now blaming them for having done to us). The energy of our real emotions (regret & sadness) has been converted into the illusion of another emotion (anger) in support of the defensive delusion that our sweetheart controlled us. In this instance, the anger is not a true emotion. It is an emotional delusion paralleling and supporting a cognitive delusion. And if we lack awareness, or are not paying attention; such delusions can be formed instantly and automatically (before we even realize what has happened).
So it is important to identify the truth of what really happened, and how we really feel about it, as quickly as possible (before the ego has a chance to jump in and support our selfish avoidance, denial, or other irresponsible choices by twisting the truth and creating delusion).
Alcohol, Illegal Drugs, and Psychiatric Medications
Substances that mask, diminish, or numb us to the truth of our emotions and/or experiences may be doing us a dis-service. Such things create the illusion that the pain is gone, or significantly less than it is, and by doing this enable the pain, and the damage it causes, to continue. This keeps the hot stove effect from occuring, and prevents us from learning how to eliminate both present and future pain from our lives. Such substances also keep us from learning how to deal with life naturally — which often results in our dependence upon them for basic coping. They make it easier to avoid responsibility, deny the truth, and create defensive delusions in our egoic mind to replace the truth that we are avoiding and denying. (fictional stories that support our choices to avoid or deny the truth we are trying to escape from).
The Egoic Mind
The egoic mind creates delusion to replace the truth in order to help us justify avoiding what we don’t want, pursuing what we do want, and investing in unresolved core personality issues. It is the voice in our head. When we are looking for ways to justify these things, it is the voice we hear telling us how to do it. It is not who we are, but we often think it is. When we are avoiding being truthful, taking responsibility, and/or following through with our commitments, it creates lies to justify our doing so. When we want something inappropriate, irresponsible, or inconsistent with our values, beliefs, and/or priorities; it gives us reasons to make it seem OK to go ahead and do it. If we have unresolved core personality issues; like inadequacy, unfairness, control, or trust; and corresponding defenses such as acting like a know-it-all, acting like a victim, being a controller, or distrusting others; then the ego supports the actions we take to satisfy these perceived needs. Such actions could include being arrogant or hypercritical of others, excessive attention seeking, blaming others for what we do and making ourselves seem like the victim of it, controlling everything we possibly can, lying to others to get them to give us sympathy and support, suspecting others of being untrustworthy because of how untrustworthy we are, or running away from anything we don’t want to face or deal with. And after the ego has succeeded at making such actions seem acceptable, good, or even healthy; it then fabricates an entire context around them to further justify our choosing to do them. In doing so, it maintains or intensifies the pain in our lives, and this is how it feeds itself and continues living through us.
This also adds to the pain in the lives of others (our beloved, those we lie to, and those exposed to our dark, destructive choices and the lower vibrations they generate).
People as Ego Allies
Others may, either because of our fictional misrepresentations or their own unresolved issues, support us in our egoic delusions. A simple way to prevent this is to keep private relationship matters between us and our partner. If we need help resolving problems, or if there is legitimate abuse occuring, then we may need to confide in a trusted professional. “Keep It To Yourself” explains this in greater detail.
But just because others jump to our rescue as a result of what we tell them, giving us the sympathy, attention, and support we want; it doesn’t mean that what we told them was true, that what we are doing is right, or that it will help decrease our pain. Even if it aids in our avoidance, the pain will still be there in one form or another. And even if we have succeeded at convincing others that we are the victim and our beloved is the abuser, what have we really accomplished? We have added lies, manipulation, and abuse of trust to the pain that was already there; and we will suffer more for it — and so will our beloved and the others we have lied to (ego allies).
Harnessing the Hot Stove Effect
So when we experience pain, it is important that we first see it for what it is and what is causing it before it gets avoided, minimized, or converted into something other than what it really is. Doing this will help us be able to effectively stop the pain and learn from our experience of it. It will create the hot stove effect.
Photo Credit: Fire Prince Music, BMI