Some will anxiously avoid this post, since it recommends that we create the space to breathe, balance, and hold on to who we are in relationships; and they may be the ones who need to read it most. So if it seems like I am preaching to the proverbial choir, or harmonizing the energy of your existing beliefs; it may at least produce an understanding nod, or feel a lot like the inner place that you call home. But some of us who understand these things still find ourselves swept away by those enchanting rushes of emotion and sensuality casting spells upon our memory, truth, and reason; bewitching what we know and what we do. And alas, what a sweet problem to have! This is just part of the fun! Life is so much fun! Vulnerability can render us raw, ready, and relatively irrational; and then the challenge is to find our way back to a balance once again; while maintaining the openness of our heart.
We need to create and maintain enough space in relationships to remember and be who we are, while simultaneously letting love’s transformative powers catalyze the blossoming evolution of our threesome.
The Evolution Of Our Threesome
Our relationship threesome consists of each of the two individuals, as well as the couple as a unit. When real love, Fourth chakra love, exists, its energy can transmute material world obstacles into spiritual rungs upon the ladder ascending the Chakratic Hierarchy of Needs. Second Chakra connections, those based on emotions and sensuality alone, are purely physical, and will keep us from recognizing the higher spiritual things. So a relationship can either contribute to our growth and development, or inhibit it; depending upon its origin (Second Chakra connection or Fourth Chakra Love).
One type of nourishment needed to encourage the development of our spirit and relationship is space. Like physical plants need water, sunshine, ground, and space; our spiritual flowers need peace, joy, truth, and space. Peace is like water, joy like sunshine, truth like ground, and space like space. The bigger, or higher, we grow, the more nourishment we need to sustain this growth (like a tree that needs more water, sunshine, ground, and space as it grows taller). So the higher we grow spiritually, the more space we need to maintain this growth. A healthy relationship, based in Fourth Chakra love, can offer this space, encouraging both people to grow individually; and also together in their love. This space does not mean separateness, and is not a threat to a love connection. It will actually increase the unity, harmony, and growth of the relationship. If two great oak trees are planted with enough space between them to maximize their growth, then the higher they grow, the more both their branches and roots will comingle until they reach the pinnacle of their attainment. Sometimes, especially early in a relationship, our beliefs about the need for space can be distorted by either our extreme enthusiasm or raging insecurities.
Balancing Our Enthusiasm
When caught in the throws of a new love connection, our enthusiasm, exuberance, or passion can surge with such intensity that we may lose sight of everything else; including our need for space, and that of our beloved. This is normal, and may last for six months to a year. For some of us, who are super-excitable, it may last even longer. We don’t want to judge or punish ourselves when we notice this, we just want to smile, and then focus on regaining the balance. Like breathing meditation, as soon as we notice that we are not creating enough space, then we simply shift our focus to doing so (like focusing back on our breath as soon as we realize that our attention has drifted away from it). We can have fun with it, acknowledging that our sweetheart is so intoxicating, distracting, and bewitching that they keep throwing us off balance (in a playful, loving way; not as if we are blaming them for our struggles or anything). But, as good as it feels to be so excited, our relationship will stand a better chance of succeeding when we strive to maintain a balance, including the creation of enough space, in our love connections.
Dealing With Our Insecurities
This one can be a little trickier, depending upon whether it is the simple insecurity of not knowing, until we do; or the issue-based insecurities branded on our hearts by pain from the past. It is totally normal, in new relationships, to experience the uncertainty, worry, and preoccupation deriving from our developing love connection. Such basic insecurities will gradually fade away, being replaced by understanding, clarity, and confidence; unless one or both parties has issues of insecurity that are re-creating past pain in their present relationship.
If so, then they may have a much harder time accepting the healthy normality of space in a relationship. In fact, it could cause them extreme anxiety, fear, or even panicked desperation. For example, if a past partner cheated on us with a friend, and lied about their whereabouts in order to make it happen; we may freak out if we don’t always know where our partner is and what they’re doing. And to them this will seem like extreme control, which it would be. And no matter how much we trust our current partner, and no matter how aware we are of the irrational basis of our insecurities; we may not be able to stop ourselves from either GPSing their car, or freaking out and interrogating them when we don’t know where they are or what they’re doing. And, unfortunately, this often results in what we are afraid of most — losing them; which reinforces our insecurities and fears.
Elevating our consciousness spiritually is the most effective way to overcome such insecurities, as their lower vibrations do not exist in a spiritual place. We may, however, need to do this while we are single, because the constant triggering that would probably occur while in a relationship could make it difficult to rise above our fears. Even the most solid of relationships, and trustworthy of partners may not do the trick; because the problem exists in the pain of our heart and mind, not the integrity of our partner. If we are already in a relationship when discovering such insecurities, then work with a trusted shrink, coach, or spiritual teacher could, with time, help us rise above the pain of our past. This could also help us learn to grow comfortable creating the space needed for a healthy relationship.
Creating Sufficient Space In Relationships
So if you start feeling like you can’t do anything without them, can’t let them do anything without you, must know what they’re doing all the time, want to check their phone log, texts, and emails; become jealous when they are with their friends; grow suspicious when they get home a little late; etc.; then you might want to create some personal growth challenges for yourself. You could start with daily meditation, yoga, and exercise. Then journal about the facts and the feelings, always resolving in the truth, and identifying the irrational beliefs for what they are. Next you could intentionally target whatever it is that produces the most anxiety (e.g. partner being out with friends without you), and suggest that your partner do this, as a way to encourage their joy and fulfillment. While they are gone, do some meditating, work on your journal, maybe get involved in some hobbies (e.g. playing music, writing poetry, crafting, etc.), and have a friend lined up to talk to if the need arises. When they return home, and when you realize that everything is wonderful, journal about this too. Include how positive your partner was toward you, how happy they seemed in general, and how good you felt that you were able to successfully pull it off. Focus on the joy, the happiness, and the success. When the strong emotions clear, talk with your partner about it. Keep it out in the open so it has less room to hide. Keep it conscious. Eventually, it will become comfortable for both of you to do this.
If you are already comfortable with the idea of maintaining space in your relationship, then strategically create a balanced understanding incorporating this openness into your life. For instance, plan some things with each other, some things alone, and some things with others; and then openly discuss how this is going for both of you. Be sensitive to both your partner’s feelings and your own. Keep it out in the open. Keep it conscious.
Since personalities vary widely, as do the needs that derive from them; a healthy balance for one relationship may be completely different from that required for another. Focus on your own relationship, and refrain from trying to tell others what they should do in theirs. Some people are most content and happy being total home bodies. Others have a constant need to be on the go, and in the company of others. Find a way to understand yourself, and your needs; and those of your partner; and then do your best to balance them, and create the space needed to do so. It can feel so good, and can lead to a healthier, more sustainable relationship! It can also help us grow beyond our insecurities and fears. Life is so much fun!
Photo credit: Kevin Harber