Obsequious obscurities, servile ghosts of shadows haunting patterns in our minds, murky specters invisibly wrapping around our beliefs, expectations, and perceptions of things; perpetually take us back to ugly places in our past. In my last post I generally discussed how, without realizing it, we can re-create the past in the present and linked this to the personal and relationship limitations that often occur when this happens. Here we will more specifically consider how to release these past relationships, in order to free us up to celebrate the beauty of who we really are, and create the potential for a truly open, fulfilling connection with a lover, spouse, or soulmate.
Creating Context: Continuous or Situational Influences
These lingering influences, our phantasmagorical phantoms from relationships long lost, may manifest in two different ways. For some they are continuous, causing distortions in our perceptions of who we are, and of who and what our relationship partners are; all the time. For others they are situational, usually resulting from stress triggers, and can result in a sudden shift in how we perceive our partner, which may or may not return to its previous place when the storms pass.
When experiencing the situational shifts, those afflicted by this condition nearly always believe that it is their partner who is acting differently, and are usually unable to see that it is they who are perceiving things differently in the moment. They often say things like “I didn’t even know how to respond! You were acting like a completely different person!” When, in reality, they were perceiving us differently, treating us differently, and responding to us as if we were someone from their past. They were reliving a past event, and plugging us into the position of a previous relationship partner, without realizing that this is what they were doing.
In both cases (continuous or situational), they are re-creating and re-living things from their past in the present, and seeing us (and often themselves too) as being someone different than who we/they really are. But, we don’t need to own it. And, if they are unable or unwilling to accept the truth of what is happening, and take responsibility for their misperceptions; then it may be healthier for us to find another relationship. But, whether it is you caught in such a mind trap, or on the receiving end of such distortions; there is always hope that these things can be overcome.
One of the simple truths related to this phenomenon is that we often lose sight of who we really are (either because of our perceptual distortions, or because of how we are treated by someone who has them). If we have done so (lost sight of who we are), then finding ourselves again, and moving forward based on the truth of our spirit is a key that unlocks the door to this mind trap.
The Magnificence of You
No matter what people have said or done to you, and no matter the results of your decisions in life; you are magnificent, divine, and beautiful; and your spirit, heart, mind, and body are living things that respond with grace and health to your devotion, respect, sensitivity, and loving care. Although we may not have discovered it yet, we were created with a natural capacity for transforming things that are out of balance or toxic in our lives. To discover, or rediscover this subtle, energetic ability, there is one simple principle we must remember and apply. We must soften in a safe place to ourselves. This means that we must create the conditions in our lives within which we can safely thrive in conscious vulnerability, peace, gentleness, and great sensitivity.
Recognizing the Rat Race
Many of us are actively engaged in a flurry of goal-oriented activities; pushing hard to achieve, acquire, and attain things at the expense of truth and meaning. If we step back and look at what we are doing, and seriously question our motives; we often end up scratching our heads and wondering how it relates to the things that really matter to us. These things that really matter, that are usually not being represented in our lives, are the things that are linked to who we really are (our true nature, our spirit). Another common problem that often emerges is that, once we temporarily see these things, we suddenly find ourselves back int the rat race without realizing that it started again. It has become such a habit that it occurs automatically, and then we again lose sight of everything else for months or years to come. It is like a trance of illusion that we may occasionally step out of, but then are drawn back into by our thoughts, emotions, or activities of daily living. So when we realize what is going on, we want to immediately seize this awareness in some memorable way. Perhaps through telling a trusted friend, writing it down in a journal with enough detail and examples that we will be able to relate to it when back in the rat race, or immediately making some changes in our lives that reflect this truth and meaning.
Ego Identity Vs. True Self
We are often engaged in pursuits that serve our egos; either things that provide a sense of accomplishment (to satisfy our inadequacy or control issues), or things that help us hide from something (to satisfy our fears of rejection or abandonment); none of which reflect our true nature. It is because of these misdirected pursuits that we often connect with relationship partners who are equally as unrelated to who we are. But we don’t recognize this, because we are acquiring our false sense of identity based on what we are doing, rather than who we actually are. Establishing such an erroneous sense of self in this way may be the only thing we have ever seen or known. It may be how our grandparents, parents, and others in our lives determined who they believed they were too. But it probably has little or nothing to do with who we are. And, instead of running in circles, creating more layers of illusion, and drawing in more unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship partners; why not slow down and take the time to discover who we really are; and then select our partner on this basis?
Opening the Door to Real Love
In order to discover and live in accordance with our true nature, and find real love; we need to soften ourselves to the universe. We need to live gently, vulnerably, peacefully, and sensitively. We need to remove the things from our lives that prevent us from doing so. From this softened place, a place of higher consciousness; a spiritual place beyond our mind and its ego; we will be better able to see the truth of our past and present, make the needed distinctions, treat our current relationship partner based on who they really are, or select a mate that harmonizes our true nature (spirit); rather than choosing one that matches our false sense of self, while perpetuating the cycles of unhealthy or unfulfilling relationships.
By doing this, we will be opening the door to real love. When this happens, we may realize that we have never before known what it actually is. If we take the time to create a balanced life around this softness, and can maintain it when connecting with a healthy partner, then our relationship dreams may truly be fulfilled. If we find them, and then trigger back into the re-creation of a past relationship scene; then they will probably seem like the greatest threat ever (because of the greater vulnerability and importance, and because they are a threat to our ego, which again has taken us over). So it is important to gain this perspective, and ground it into stability and balance, before attempting to engage in your quest for real love.
Photo Credit: Daniel Eliasson