On my Twitter page, which is just my name, Kai Swigart, my profile listing says “Balancing rhapsodic rhythms of shrink, songwriter, blogger, and fitness freak with mellifluous melodies of health, happiness, and my search for a good woman.” It is of this search, its star-powered adventures, and its gut-wrenching struggles that this post speaks. Up close and personal, raw to the core, and revealing to the point of embarrassment; it paints atmospheric watercolors of the mystery, magic, and beauty of love. And, although many find Taylor Swift’s songs repetitive and annoying, boy does she ever know how to depict the things we think and feel when schmoozing and losing in love! Some of the lines in this post could come from one of her songs. I hope this creates a useful perspective for you and your love connections, helps in some small way, and provides a little entertainment on a gray or rainy day.
OK, so you know, when we fall hard for someone, I mean really plummet heart-first into that acquiescent ardor of longing, desire, and infatuation; our minds can play mischievous little games that drive us crazy. All of the unknowns, the in-between times, the insecurities, and the misinterpretations combine to keep us hanging by a thread of raw emotion. Depending upon prior hookups, parental examples, and personal issues; these sultry strands may pulse with rhythms ranging from worried preoccupation to panicked desperation. But one thing is for certain — they make us feel alive. If we choose to stay in a relationship, these rushes of anxious uncertainty may last anywhere from six months to a lifetime. They happen because we make ourselves emotionally vulnerable to the influences of another. They may continue beyond the normal new-relationship adjustment period because of issues or examples in our lives.
Issues and Examples Paint Perspectives
Unresolved issues, like trust, inadequacy, victimization, and control; along with parental examples; paint our views and expectations of relationships. These issues are pesky little perturbations that can get inside our thoughts and take them over. They may be the single greatest cause of stress, failed relationships, and unhealthy mate selection. They usually make us hypersensitive to certain things. Trust issues make us hypersensitive to matters of openness and honesty, often causing us to believe that we are being lied to when we are not. Inadequacy issues result in us always needing to be right, being unwilling to admit our mistakes, and always blaming others so they are the wrong ones, not us. Victimization issues create the illusion that we are being unfairly treated, even when we are being the unfair ones. Control issues cause us to believe that others are trying to steal our rights, our privacy, and our freedom when they are not; and when we may actually be doing this to them. And where there are issues, there are defenses that support them and make them seem justified.
They often occur in clusters, and are created from our life experiences. When it comes to relationships, the issues are formed from our own relationship experiences and from the primary relationship examples in our lives. One common cluster incorporates all four of the issues referenced above (trust, inadequacy, victimization, and control). It is extremely common for women who have been physically or sexually abused, or have observed such abuse between their parents while growing up. It might unfold something like this: “Hey Baby! I have some unexpected free time and would love to help you clean house today.” Thought response: ‘What is he really saying here? What does he want from me? Does he just want a blowjob? Well he’s not gonna get one! No, wait! He’s telling me I’m a bad housekeeper! Such an asshole! He must really hate me! I hate him! That is so mean of him! That is so unfair! I work so hard at this, and now he’s telling me I don’t do a good enough job! And now he’s even trying to control my housecleaning!’ Verbal response: “No thanks. I can handle it just fine on my own.” For those with these issues, a simple offer of assistance or participation; or a normal pause in the flow of communication, can result in tumultuous surges of emotion, and even the ending of a relationship. Since ending it at a time like this makes a person feel in control, they will often end it while freaked out, and then want to start it up again after they calm down. So there is often an ongoing process of breaking up and making up around these issue responses.
Vulnerability Is A Rush When Connected with Universal Consciousness
When it comes to being vulnerable in love, there is a condition that will change everything. After surging along with love’s cascading ups and downs, we will usually return to our normal steady state, whatever that is. If we are directly connected with universal consciousness, then we can experience both the agony and the ecstasy of love’s vulnerability as a passionate rush to be inhaled, ingested, and enjoyed; and then easily find our way back to our peaceful, balanced place. If we are generally happy, but not connected to the universe, then the downward thrust could throw us into a tailspin. If our regular state is one of stress, anxiety, or depression; then the painful parts will worsen our condition. So, if we are in a new relationship, and if it contains more painful, confusing, or unpredictable elements than usual; even if we find it thrilling and amazing in many ways; we need to determine whether or not we can ride its rushing rivers and then return to a higher, safer, balanced place; or if its uncertainties will damage or destroy us.
“She didn’t message me back yet! WTF! Maybe she doesn’t really mean the things she said! Look, she is on Messenger again, Active Now, but she is not replying to my message! OMG! What should I do? Should I write her right now, and say something sweet, or maybe confront her about not getting back with me? Should I just avoid it so I don’t screw things up? OMG!!! She’s calling right now!!! I’m shutting off my phone!!! No, I really want to talk to her! Shit! It’s too late! I hope she doesn’t think I’m avoiding her! She didn’t call me Love or Baby in the last two texts like she usually does! WTF??? Is she losing interest in me? I wonder if I did some permanent damage the last two times I ended it! I wonder what she’s doing right now! I wonder if she’s thinking of me! I hope so. Should I just end it because it would be easier that way? But we have such a powerful bond, I love her so much, and feel so excited and inspired by our connection! Shit!”
For Me and For You
For me, if the love is really there, I am starting to realize that, not only is it worth it to me to struggle through the insecurities, fears, and pain sometimes generated by this vulnerability; but I actually get off on the cascading, rushing waterfalls of love I find it thrilling! I feel alive! I feel inspired, and eager to live and strive! Every day is crammed full of more titillation and adventure than an average year. Each moment is a lifetime. For example, in the past two weeks I have shared more love, lived more life, and garnered more self awareness than during the past five years before them. Give me the passion, even when it hurts! Give me the kisses, and the flirty desserts! Give me my Baby, and her sweet love songs! Give me the passion, where it really belongs! So for me, even when overwhelmed, hurt, and fearful; I always return to my balanced, peaceful place; from which I see the beauty, magic, and benefits; enduring grace. Every time I think it is too painful, too risky, too much; I quickly return to a broader understanding of how truly amazing it is, and of how much richer and fuller my life is from being in it; regardless of where it eventually may go. This is the truth for me. What is the truth for you?
Photo Credit: Alternative Shrink