Recalcitrant rhythms stirred her murky miasmas into urgency, dread, and dismay, while phrenetic prescriptions for perceived perturbations spun around and around her all day. She lived in a kaleidoscopic whirlwind, craved the thrills and rushes of its drama, color, and centrifugal force; as if living in the blend of a Vita-Mix; perpetual motion, manic winds, inner-course.
Being overwhelmingly philanthropic, Rosa wants to share her dirty little secrets with you: 10 ways to stress for less:
1. Eat all the sugar and carbs you can wrap your salivating lips and tongue around. Don’t liquidate your precious bank account buying that organic crap either; just grab the cheapest junk you can find.
2. Always think about those things that totally piss you off, freak you out, or make you feel like a flaming victim. Don’t even consider refocusing your thoughts on anything positive, hopeful, or happy. This might just calm you down, which would defeat the purpose. Think really, really hard about those scathing injustices that send you through the roof.
3. Drink a minimum of 24 cups of strong caffeinated coffee each day. Just buy the cheap stuff, like the 10 pound can of generic java, and a #10 can of fake Coffee Mate creamer to add more sugar and carbs to the mix. If this doesn’t do the trick, then you may want to visit your PCP, say you have ADHD, and pick up a script for Ritalin or Adderall.
4. Screw the exercise. Who wants to waste their time getting all sweaty, stinky, and sore when they could be feasting on day-old doughnuts and watching re-runs of 24.
5. Spend as much time as you can parked on your sweet, restless ass watching Thrilling, scary, or depressing shows just before bedtime. This will insure your insomnia, nightmares, and increased paranoia. If your once-cherry derriere has turned to puffed pastry, due to the Ding Dongs and Ho Ho’s you shoveled, then also focus on how ginormous and ugly your mushrooming but has become. This will add to your depression, stress, and self hatred.
6. Smoke like a freaking chimney. Puff, puff, puff yourself to death. Just buy a carton of cheapo fags from your local 7-11 and suck your way to smoking hot distress. Just ignore those idiotic warnings about cancer. If you get it, then you will go bipolar and become a bigger victim too.
7. Drink like your boyfriend left you, and then maybe he will. Liver, kidneys, heart, brain; who needs them? Just buy that cut-rate, rot-gut vodka by the gallon, drink to obliteration, do everything you want to do but shouldn’t, and then when you wake up the next afternoon you will be sick as hell and won’t remember a damn thing. To add horror to the puking agony, a truly wild and woolly rush, brace yourself for the phone calls, texts, and emails from friends and strangers telling you all about the projectile vomiting, nude table dancing, and gang banging you can’t recall. With this mother-hugger of a hangover, haunting humiliation, and terrifying sketches of an STD; you’ll be tweaking more than ever, wait and see.
8. Max out your plastic, and then dispute the charges, return the merchandise, or pay with insufficient funds. What a thrill this will provide, you’ve just begun.
9. Meditation, schmeditation, it’s more like masturbation. Why waste your breath watching it when you can be sucking in the ice cream, smoke, and cock tails? Remember, don’t you dare do anything that helps you relax.
10. Stick your finger down your throat and let it fly. If you want to eat, drink, and vegetate; like a good little stress goddess; and remain the super-hottee that you are; then just remember that the bathroom ain’t too far. Not only does this method keep you thin and sexy, making you more likely to screw up royally when ripped; but it trashes your electrolytes, hormones, and digestion; adding to your angst, contentment stripped.
Photo Credit: Evil Erin