People, like families, neighbors, coworkers, or church members; will often insert their protruding schnozolas into the lives of others in the name of love and support. As a shrink I frequently help undo the damages caused by such destructive influences. Those pushing their unsolicited shit (oh, I mean opinions) upon the vulnerabilities of others are usually projecting their own issues in the guise of doing good at times when people are stressed or overwhelmed. They may organize a virulent vigilante group within the family, community, or organization in order to strengthen the apparent validity of their delusions (to gain allies and support). They may take on this combined judge and jury role either based on their own specific personal issues (e.g. they are an abusive parent or partner), or general issues of inadequacy, victimization, or loss of control. When people have serious issues that they are unwilling to deal with, they frequently externalize their focus and begin imagining their own shortcomings in the lives of others when they are not really there. They create the allegations in order to justify the externalization, denial, and avoidance of their own unresolved problems. They do this to keep the spotlight off of themselves by shining it on someone else. They then work diligently to make it all seem real in order to be right. This is all done at the expense of innocent, unsuspecting others. Up to 50% of the couples and families I work with suffer from this malady — a problem that would not exist if people would learn to deal with their own issues, take responsibility for their own lives, and mind their own business.
Will the Real Bad Parent Please Stand Up
For example, if a woman sucks as a parent but is unwilling to deal with her own stuff, then she may take it upon herself to become the resident parenting expert, criticizing others and advising them pursuant to their failings as parents. Our self-appointed judge will know little of the situation she is judging, and will be fully unqualified in her role. She does this as a defense against her own inadequacy as a parent (projection). The situation she is attacking may be totally normal, and simply the manifestation of someone having a bad day. Or there may be countless other factors of which she has no knowledge that could explain the situation being castigated. The recipient victim, who could be an outstanding parent, may feel hurt, personalize the allegation, or even begin believing she really is a bad parent because of the pompous, magnanimous demeanor of Madame Bitchfire.
Reckless with Relationships
If a man is abusive as a spouse, but is unwilling to face this reality, then he may take on the role of savior-protector of women in other relationships; creating the alleged abuse in order to justify his destructive actions (another form of abuse). Like the parenting expert above, he may become a self-proclaimed authority on the identification, intervention, and resolution of such alleged atrocities in the absence of any real data, and with no qualifications to make such determinations or take such actions. He will likely pull others into his egoic stagecraft through gossip, rumors, and fabricated allegations. These may be predicated upon snippets of conversations he overheard while walking past a car in a parking lot, driving by a house, or listening to someone else’s gossip. The real reason for his expressed concern is to get the focus off of himself by putting it on someone else. He will usually work hard at this, first within himself by creating illusions in support of his positions; and then by pulling others in to support his savior complex (which is a defense against his own abusive tendencies). When he accuses or attacks his victims (e.g. a husband) they, like the parent above, may be hurt, personalize it, or even start believing it. Such accusations can also cause the alleged victim (e.g. a wife) to begin believing it; which can seriously damage their relationship. All this when there was nothing abusive or abnormal going on. All this because someone who really is abusive is unwilling to face the truth and take responsibility for his life. This couple will suffer because of the self-righteous, pushy proclivities of Mr. Dickhead.
Don’t get me wrong, I am all for standing up against real abuse and helping people with real problems. This is why I spent 14 years in college studying it, obtaining licenses, and establishing a practice. This is why I volunteer for organizations like the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, and the Institute on Violence, Abuse, and Trauma. This is why my wife and I created a music video using one of my original songs to help eliminate violence against women and children.
What I am opposed to is the cascade of destructive words and actions, the expanding ripples on the ponds of egoic irresponsibility, perpetrated by people who themselves possess the problems they are accusing others of having. I am deeply hurt by the pain such selfish people cause in the name of doing good. Such processes are simply expanding the range of victims (to those being accused), blaming the victims, and reinforcing the problem. When this occurs, not only is the real problem being avoided; but it is being expanded to a broader victim pool. It is like the spreading of a disease contagion in the guise of finding a cure.
If you are doing this, whether initiating or participating, please search your heart and stop. Get help if you need to. You may be seeing it in others to help you find it within yourself. If you are making assessments or giving advice you are unqualified to offer; then this may be a sign you are doing it. If you believe there is a legitimate problem, and if you are not qualified to address it; then consider referring someone to a trained professional.
If this is being done to you, do not believe it, stand up for the truth, and if the allegations continue then remove yourself from the situation. This may mean limiting involvement with a toxic family member, terminating contact with nosy neighbors, requesting a reassignment at work, or changing churches. This misdirected shit, when others dump their stuff on you, may itself be the only real problem in your life. Do not own it. Flush it.
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