“I just can’t do it anymore!” she rationally concluded, anticipating his gentle, yet firm pressure; with the momentum of a cultivated, pliable pit bull on a mission. “I don’t want to! I shouldn’t have to! I won’t” “Hello Beautiful! What are you doing on Thursday night?” he murmured smoothly, yet tenderly, as if his confidence psychically read her fluttering mind; like his eyes were reading the flavors of her candy-coated familiarity to his rising interest. “Well, … nothing, really.” she simpered submissively, her reason punching her, while her body and emotions flickered rose. “Wonderful!” he replied expectantly. “”I’ll be there by 6.” “Awesome!” she ejaculated a little too forcefully, blood rushing away from her head toward her shivering groin, emotions surging with ardent anticipation; while her eyes betrayed a message, and her posture marked the silent punctuation, as a tribute to the thoughts she could not push into the words she never found. For a split second she saw clearly what a prisoner she had become, being held hostage by the conditioning of her hypersexual indulgences; and how, in the moment, she seemed hypnotized, and unable to say anything but yes. Within a millisecond, however, she was sorting through the costumes in her mind, and, with sexy sparks igniting, selected the Dominatrix.
Unresolved core personality issues may make us vulnerable to thoughts, words, and actions that are in conflict with our beliefs, priorities, and responsibilities. Such moldy baggage might include fears of failure, rejection, or abandonment; feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, or worthlessness; sensitivities to unfairness, victimization, or loss of control. Like prismatic ghosts, these remnants of unfinished business float around in our minds; coloring our perceptions, haunting our happiness, and terrorizing our lives. For example, if a parent left you as a child; through adoption, divorce, or dying; you may have grown up with sensitivities to abandonment, inadequacy, victimization, and loss of control. These sensitivities are your unresolved core personality issues. This set of issues could predispose you to feeling responsible for the feelings of others when you are not, never wanting to disappoint or hurt anyone else no matter how it affects you or your family, always saying “yes” when you want to say “no,” trying to prove yourself, being a know-it-all, being hyper-sensitive to perceived unfairness, and feeling like you are being controlled if you are not completely in control (all or nothing).
Ultimately, it would be ideal to ditch such uninvited hitchhikers once and for all; leaving them in the photographs, memories, and souvenirs from the past. To accomplish this, we might need some serious help from a safe and trusted therapist, coach, or spiritual teacher.
In the meantime, however, there are some practical steps that you can take to learn how to say no and feel good about it.
1. Truthfully consider the situation, while alone, based on facts, objectivity, and self care. If you maintain a journal, like the Mood Kit iPhone App, refer back to relevant journal entries from a time when your thoughts were clear.
2. If you are already with someone who is making a request, tell them you will need some time to think about it. Do not feel obligated to give them an immediate response. You are not. Then consider it carefully when they are gone.
3. If you have a trusted confidante, like an intimate partner or BFF; and if you know unequivocally that they love you and are genuinely concerned for your well being; ask their opinion, and listen to them. Be aware that, if you have authority or abuse issues, and if it is your partner; your first impulse might be to quickly dismiss their suggestions, since your victim and/or control issues will be coloring your perception of them. Refer back to what you know, not what you feel in the moment. Let your rationality determine your emotions, rather than the other way around. If you objectively know them to be solid, loving, and caring; then this fact does not suddenly change when your emotions do. Tell them what you are trying to decide, tell them what you rationally know, and tell them what you are struggling with. Then listen, openly, to their ideas.
4. Make up your mind while in the safety and privacy of your home, office, or car.
5. Prepare the script of your reply (on your phone, tablet, or mind)
6. Determine the delivery method most likely to succeed. If you are afraid you will give in, melt, or slip into conditioned hypnosis when with them in person; then plan to communicate by phone, email, text, or FB messaging. If you think hearing their voice might be more than you can say no to, then do it by email, text, or FB messaging. Do not feel guilty, ashamed, or other shades of bad; because you are doing the right thing for the right reason. You are responsible for yourself, not them. You are standing up for yourself and the truth, rather than caving in to your fears. If you have become addicted to the attention, ego gratification, or steamy sex you experience when selling yourself to your demons; then it may be time to perform an updated Cost-Benefit Analysis. Draw the hidden truths out into the light, see the situation honestly for what it is, and stop hiding within the shadows of your fears. You are worthy and wonderful as you are. You do not need to do anything to become likable, acceptable, or valuable. When you begin believing this about yourself, you will begin attracting others who see you like this too. Until then, you will attract those who smell your insecurity from miles away, and endeavor to take advantage of you. It is up to you to tell them no.
7. Do it. Follow through with the communication pursuant to your carefully considered decision; and then safely celebrate your success with a little treat (e.g. making love with your honey, eating a little dark chocolate or ice cream, or watching a giggly romantic comedy).
Photo Credit: Darcy McCarty